2 crappy brain surgeries, 1 nut removal surgery and finding out I have brain cancer. All within 6 months. 2011 can go fuck itself. I’ve always tried to be a nice person and do nice things for people. Ask any of my close friends and I’m sure they’d vouch for me. Well the sad reality about today’s society is the nice guys are poor, alone and get fucked. So I think I’ll stick with the people I’ve been able to count on so far and everyone else can fuck right off. 

This will be my last post.

This was going to be a post about how I see the world. I guess I’m sick of posting about crap for now. In short: Sometimes the world seems good and sometimes the world can seem bad but there’s on thing we can count on it always doing and that’s being beautiful. Live life as if it were you last day but lets also plan for living it as if it were our last day tomorrow as well.

I’m sure everyone has heard the term “Things come in three’s” well it seems true in my case so far. Two days ago on Wednesday I under went surgery again.

The good: Not brain related. Surgery was not as risky as brain surgery. I got to leave the hospital drugged out of my mind.

The bad: Damn it hurts.

The experience this time was kind of funny. The doctors came and discussed with me what they were planning on doing and what the worst case scenario was, then left to look at an ultrasound they did to get more information. When they came back I could tell the doctor was worried about having to tell me it’d be the worst case scenario….So I tapped on my skull where my scar is and told em “I’ve been through worse” and he seemed slightly relieved when I was able to add some humour to the situation. In the end I was also able to remain calm because I thought to myself “there are way worse/better things going on right now”. Earlier that day a friend sent me an update on someone’s condition and the news was positive thus making my day a bit better. I also got to find out later that a loved one who was having difficulties was going to be okay as well.

Positive atmosphere = Positive attitude.

Tired all day now. It’s affecting my mood. I don’t want to sleep all day. Too tired to think about how to fix it.

Today I’m posting about my planned adventure this weekend, instead of some kind of problem I’m trying to solve or wanting to bitch about. It’s been awhile since I’ve been to my dads. The hospital visits since April have made it pretty much impossible to have a planned weekend there. Not to mention the physical disability I’ve been dealing with. Today I’ll be going to my dads for one night which I think is my first night staying anywhere else other than my mothers or the hospital since April. At this point I am able to physically get myself outside of the house however, mentally it is a lot to deal with. The absolute terror I feel when I think I could have a seizure is a lot of stress on my mind yet for some reason It’s not so bad inside my mother’s house. I’ve been able to feel pretty comfortable in situations outside the house lately though. For example: My visit with an old friend for an hour was relaxing and I enjoyed it. Whereas my visit to the Picton fair nearby was stressful more than it was fun. I like dong things and going out normally. When I can overcome my physical and mental disabilities I think I’ll be out in the world more than I was before surgery. Priorities have changed and I plan on doing things.

Let’s see how this adventure to my dad’s goes!!

So I’ve spent a lot of time just reading/watching/thinking in the past few months. I’ve thought a lot about problems other people are dealing with. Most of their problems seem to have some underlying cause……the end result being “drama”. This drama becomes almost part of their personalities in a way and eventually they start loading their facebook status’s with idiotic messages in an attempt at pity or empathy from others in text form.

Here’s what I do understand: We all have problems. We all need help sometimes and we all deserve help and love and empathy from our friends and loved ones. These people are the healthy vitamin that allows us to forget about our problem’s for awhile and get on with our lives. Most of the time they even help us solve the problem.

What I don’t understand: The one’s who bitch and moan about their problems and call themselves the victim 100% of the time when in reality, most of the time our problem’s are caused by mistake’s we’ve made. Mistakes are acceptable….we all make em. Hiding them and stretching the truth when voicing our problem’s is the same if not worse than lieing.

So for the people who bitch and moan and whine and victimize themselves (especially on facebook/the internet) and hide their own wrong doings; My advice to you is to stop, think about your issue and discuss it in full truth with someone you know wants to help you but is also willing to be fully honest as well. Feeling self-pity more often than not is a downward spiral into depression.

I’ll end this with a quote I picked up when I was a child.

“Lying and stealing are some of the worst things you can do to someone.” - Sepp Van Vliet

Friends. Damn are they important in our lives. From that point in our lives where we stop listening to our parents, we start listening to our friends. This is why I say keeping good company is kind of a big deal. I spent this morning thinking about the friends I have. I’ve always thought of my friends as being important in my life but given my experience I had recently It has really put things into a different/better perspective. I’ve decided not to do a huge rant about friends and the importance of them simply because all my friends probably already know this. What I have decided to do is test myself, to see if the impression I think my friends have had on me is actually there. This is sort of a memory test. For anyone that’s my friend they know my memory is kind of crappy and I’m also pretty bad with names. So this is a test to name(first name only) every single person not blood related that took the time out  of their busy lives (we all have em, sometimes we can’t leave them) to visit me in the hospital. First I’ll mention this: If you were a friend who was unable to make it to the hospital that has not made me think less of you, you have most likely sent your love in some other fashion. I’d also like to mention the reason I have chosen the time I was in the hospital. My memory sucks. The hospital days are almost a blur to me, there is a lot I don’t remember so I figure why not make my test kinda hard. Another thing……..some of the friends that visited me have not seen me for a long time. So for the sake of avoiding confusion, I will add some kind of reference to help them (if they read this) realize it is them I am listing. I’d like to get 100% on this test but unfortunately I’m human and subject to mistakes. I also did not use facebook or msn to aid me while writing this list.

In no certain order here are the names of the people I can remember visiting me: Jamie, Paul, Dave(and his family), Melissa (mary’s daughter), Jocelyn, Robyn, Eccentric Mike, Kelli, Andrea, Hugh (gave me a funny present), Wendy, Amanda, Leah and Steve, Nicole, Randy, Darlene, Brianna, Kayla, Krista, Tyler, Saki.

I hope I got everyone…..I’ll be pissed if I didn’t. There were a few people who visited that I had never met so I can’t remember their names.

Final note to my friends: Remember that scene in dumb and dumber with the briefcase of IOU’s? Well screw the case, I’ve got a truckload of em for ya. Better than money…..right!?

Woke up today feeling better than I did yesterday. I’m beginning to wonder if the reason I wake up and try to make sense of some kind of problem for several hours each morning has something to do with a dream. I dream every night but within seconds I forget the dream, but maybe the “problem” remains.

First I’d like to make note of some things before I ramble on:

1: Again, I don’t really proof read. Spelling/grammar generally out the window.

2: Everything I put in these blog posts is a reflection of my own personal opinions or views. This means that everything I discuss may or may not have been covered in someone’s book or movie or whatever long before I came to these conclusion’s.

3: My opinions and views are subject to change. For anyone reading these, I expect you to challenge my views if you see flaws. I’m open to discuss anything so long as it is constructive……No “I THINK UR WRONG BUT I DUNNO WHY” bullshit.

4: This post is about racism. If you the reader are not open to someone else’s views on racism then now is the time to stop reading this post.

So this morning I woke up thinking about racism. I’m sure many can agree with me when I say racism is negative for everyone. I spent my usual few hours laying in bed trying to understand it and why it exists. Not long ago I might have said something like “racists are stupid” or “racists are bad people” etc etc. I can’t see any logic behind that anymore because when I think about it, being racist does not mean you are a bad person. People who do good things can be racist just the same as people who do bad things can be totally open to race. I think a person who is racist has been “conditioned” to be racist. This to me is similar to a person who steals or lies. They have been conditioned to steal or lie as they have never felt the guilt from knowing it is wrong. Obviously, there are many other variable’s we can throw into all of this but then I’d have to write a 1,000,000 page book and I’m much too lazy for that.

So the problem I see is: What people use to describe a person. It’s easy to refer to someone as a black man or a white man. We unknowingly promote racism this way, even if we don’t actually give a crap about their skin colour. A white man is not a white man. A black man is not a black man. The example ahead explains what I mean.

Example: Take two men and put them in a room together. We do not know their name, age, where they were born etc. We know nothing except the fact that they are both men. Here’s the tricky part, we still need to figure out who is who. So in most circumstances we’d say “Well that man is black and that man is white”. There is a lot of truth to this but the problem again to me is it is differentiating them by “race” when in reality these two men are both the same. I think the correct way to look at it is like this: We have two men. We know nothing about them save one thing: One man has white skin and one man has black skin. Given the information we have, they are the same in every way. The nice thing is, there are so many other ways to describe someone we know nothing about. Man #1 could be taller then man #2 or man #2 could have a bigger nose then man #1.

So in ending I’d like to say: Describing someone by their skin colour promotes racism even if we know nothing about them. There are 78425678067669406 (not an actual calculated number) other things we could use to describe them. Screw you racism!!

By the way, I mentioned “conditioning” earlier. It may come up again if I post about why I think prison’s rarely work and why some stats say most people in American prison’s have black skin.

So yesterday I finally got the go ahead to lower my dose of one of my medications for brain swelling. The drug is a type of steroid and has many side effects. For anyone curious, it is called Dexamethasone. I’ve been on it since August 15th and before that after my first surgery they had me on it for about two months. The first time they got me off it they gradually lowered it per week so it was slow. This time they halved the dose within 24 hours. Now, I’m no expert. I’ve never been through any kind of withdrawal, but today…….worst day ever. Woke up to immense pain, really random mood swings all day and wicked nausea. Kids……..Don’t do drugs….Unless it’s from your doctor to stop your brain from exploding.

Besides suffering from complete insanity from withdrawal I didn’t get a lot done today. I didn’t feel like my new self. I get this weird feeling that maybe my personality is changing back to what it was 6 months ago. I feel like I have changed a lot in such a small amount of time. Priorities have changed and I feel like i can think clearer. The more i think about it though, the more worried I get. I don’t want to be the old me anymore. I lacked motivation and was very timid and self conscious. I’ve ended up with a problem I’m not sure how to solve.

There’s that saying “people never take their own advice” right? Well last night I decided to take some of my own advice and deal with a problem I was having with someone close. I called them and spoke with them about our issue. It went great. We came up with a compromise and then spent a couple hours just talking and laughing. To add to that, we even came up with idea’s to help me with another problem I was having that was totally unrelated. Domino effect!!! So today I learned: Deal with your problems, especially if it is related to someone you care about. Leaving it only builds resentment over time, and eventually there is so much of it there is less of a chance it can be forgiven. If you come up with a resolution, you might just be able to figure out other things too! Being passive is great and sometimes even better than being assertive but you’ve got to be able to be both.

On another topic: I heard from a friend I haven’t spoken to in a long time last night. They sent me a nice message and offered to talk today if i wanted to. Had a great time talking with them again and catching up. Weird thing was, I was nervous…..